THINGS THAT COME UP

So if i haven't mentioned it before, i live in a house on campus with 5 other girls, who are all beautiful fun people. I love the girls i live with, however, at this age, and in a setting where you put 6 insecure young women together, certain issues are bound to arise. Last year the issues first started to come up, only they were unspoken, and existed as a silent competition. The issues we faced together were body and food issues.
In our house, every single girl was either experiencing or trying to recover from some sort of eating disorder and in the off season it really got intense. We all had our own agendas and time to kill ourselves at the gym working out because we had no practice or sport to concern ourselves with. For me personally, i wouldn't say i had a certain type of eating disorder, it was more a combination of disorders. I would wake up and run, go to class and run, then i headed to the gym until i went to dinner. Some days i kept my food down, but other days i would throw up before i got in the shower, so that the noise of the water would cover up the sound of what i was doing to myself.
It wasn't hard for my friends to realize what was going on, partially because they were sensitive to it because they were doing the same, and because i spent my days running at least 5 miles, and i did not like to run. Up until the very end of school my roommates and i suffered through this silent competition trying to outdo each other in body image and exercise stamina. By the time i went home my friends i hadn't seen all year began to notice my different behaviors and the way i looked. Something i thought would disappear when i got out of the situation of my house only got worse, because i had more privacy and free time at home. All day i thought about food and how many calories were in this food, or how long could i wait until eating my next snack, or making myself feel so guilty about the last thing i ate. My thoughts started to get worse and i found myself only thinking about what i ate or how much i was going to exercise later in that day. My empty days were kept busy making lists of restricted foods, and designing complex exercise regimes. In the time i wasn't eating or exercising i would look through magazines trying to find the perfect figure or secretly admiring the discipline people with real eating disorders had.
By the time i left formy summer job in the mountains, i was a mess.The thing that saved me from myself was working at a summer camp. I lived with 40 insecure 13 year olds, and when you live with that much insecurity and hear them worry about themselves when they are stick thin, you really get a new perspective. The perspective i gained was how ridiculous i must sound. It's like the Baz Luhrman speech, "Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine."
So although i got into shape this summer, it wasn't just for field hockey and sports. I was in shape because i was recovering from my eating issues, and although i still exercised a lot, my thoughts were getting cleaner, and i was able to repress most of the guilt and negative feelings in my head. I like to think that i am better now, i have accepted my body and the fact that i was made to look a different. I wasn't designed to be a stick, i am an athlete. I have curves, and i love my curves now.
Back to the point of this whole story....so i'm afraid of the off-season. I'm afraid my training will be confused with a disorder, or that i am using my training for a subconscious way to let the disease come back.